Appreciation For The Monster

Appreciation; "recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something".

Having appreciation for the monster. Sounds foreign, doesn't it?

A lot of us hold on to the idea of someone we once knew and it riddles us with grief that we could ever possibly idolize qualities in someone who caused us so much damage. Just because someone causes you pain doesn't mean you are forced to forget them. Society has a way of making it seem like you are wrong for spreading any positive connotations of someone previously in your life. In order to heal from damage you have to feel it, you are allowed to feel and remember a time of happiness with them too.

First let me start by saying thank you.. I learned to live because of you.

Homeless, empty, broken, and alone... I learned to stand.

Remember that you are allowed to appreciate the idea of someone you thought you once knew. What is important, is that you are still able to separate yourself from them, identify the emotions, and heal around the circumstances that lead you to now. I grew up seeking validation from the kind of people I would never ask advice from. One negative word from someone around me and I'd stop whatever I was doing and move to something that would make me more acceptable, you showed me to stand alone.

You took what you wanted, "no" was never an option to you. Opinions were irrelevant because YOU knew what YOU wanted. I watched you take what you wanted multiple times, I watched you stand your ground when someone disrespected you. I heard you say multiple times that you didn't "need" anyone. Until you, I didn't know how to be alone or feel I didn't "need" someone. I recognized that you were comfortable accepting whatever repercussions came from an action, if any. I am thankful for what happened, I am thanking the man who tried to kill me. In life a situation can hurt you or a situation can change you, you choose. I chose to change, and if it weren't for that situation I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today.

I wasn't raised that it was okay to show emotions and I've been told watching my dad die at 9 has caused me to be colder than others, and I had not shown affection until after you. I was uncomfortable showing affection, always feeling like if I was affectionate I was too vulnerable or it would be unwanted. The closeness with someone physically and mentally was terrifying. You were the same way. Being with someone who was exactly as emotionally vacant as I was showed me everything I didn't want to be and all of the qualities I never wanted in someone again. I learned of traumas and walls within myself that I had to break down if I ever waned to evolve as a woman, friend, wife, or mother. Thankfully, I have learned how important communication and recognizing your emotions can be. Because of how identical we were, I learned how cold and hurt I was making my partners feel because I felt it first hand. I am thankful for that.

Thank you.

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